


Before the Light of Day

by Aeda



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Era, Character Study, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:29:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeda/pseuds/Aeda
Summary: Every morning presented new possibilities, and yet nothing ever changed. Merlin felt trapped in his circumstances, but can’t break free from them.
Kudos: 4





	Before the Light of Day

Every morning, laden with Arthur’s breakfast, Merlin opened the door to Arthur’s chambers as quietly as possible. The room was always dim. It was Merlin’s job to open the curtains he had closed just yesterday night. It meant he had to navigate the room from memory to set the table and then wake Arthur with the dawn of a new day. It always took a while for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. 

Even adjusted, it was difficult to see more than the mere outlines of furniture and the form of Arthur’s body under the bed covers. It heightened his other senses and Arthur’s breathing was a comfort in the obscured surroundings. He knew that Arthur’s face would be buried in his pillows. Hidden from the world, but also safe from it. Only his own mind could trouble him here. If he would have opened his eyes in that moment, he would have seen even less than Merlin. 

Sometimes, the obscurity of the room and Arthur’s obliviousness made Merlin feel brave. What if he confessed to his magic now, when Arthur couldn’t see or hear him? He could work himself up to doing it when he was fully awake. The faint sliver of light underneath the curtains reminded him of the day ahead. He never felt brave enough. 

Once he’d thought of confessing his magic, however, his mind wouldn’t let him be. He couldn’t help but think about Arthur’s reaction. It had been so long now and they’d experienced so much together, there was ample supply for his imagination. The erstwhile arrogance and entitlement, battle readiness and duty, but also defiance and gentleness. He’d seen how Arthur had treated other magic users, on the orders of Uther, the coldness and determination behind his actions. It wasn’t reassuring and those memories always warred with his own moments with Arthur. How the teasing and laughter that echoed between them made them comfortable with each other. Each willingness to sacrifice for the other an open secret. Even then the unsaid words and unshed tears reflecting the firelight were only between the two of them. It tore Merlin apart. 

He just didn’t know, couldn’t anticipate, couldn’t _foresee_ what Arthur’s reaction would be. Surely, showing his magic while he saved Arthur’s life would make him more willing to listen, Merlin would think. But then, those situations never made it easy to have a serious conversation and what if Arthur thought it wasn’t him, but someone was possessing Merlin? Merin’s thoughts had done the rounds on this over and over. Had weighed up the likelihood of different scenarios occurring and their myriad outcomes. 

The walk to the curtains had become a daily moment of decision. Would he continue this day safe and feeling guilty or would it turn into a nightmare fuelled by burning wood and remorse at what could have been? He didn’t know what would be worse, the betrayal of it all or knowing that that would be the end of everything. 

His thoughts were in harsh contrast to the silent and dim room. He knew it stressed him out to think about it. Sometimes it made him irritable and he knew he was a bit obnoxious when waking Arthur up. Inevitably his thoughts always spiralled down these paths. Merlin didn’t dare imagine acceptance let alone awe on Arthur’s face when he found out, because the hope and happiness he felt at the thought would crush him over the course of the day. He didn’t know what he would do if gratefulness at being finally trusted with his secret looked back at him, this possibility always seemed a bit too fanciful. 

Too often he had to pull himself together when he reached for the curtains. He’d tell himself that tomorrow he wouldn’t fall into the same trap of wondering and stressing. Those thoughts didn’t do him any good, no matter how short they actually were. Despite his best intentions he found himself here again and again. Always wondering if today would be the day all was revealed. He wanted that last piece that stood between them and hindered them from being completely themselves around each other to be gone. He wanted the trust that Arthur had in him, to be trust in all he was and had to give. His heart ached thinking about what the day could bring. 

Finally, he drew the curtains open. As sunlight flooded the room Merlin turned around to tell Arthur a new day had begun.

**Author's Note:**

> Rewritten version of a fic I posted to fanfiction.net under a different username.


End file.
